The wind swirls unpredictably today and I feel affinity for its sudden shifts and change from calm to a gust blowing branches and shrubs every which way. Today the wind blows close to the ground why the clouds appear almost stationary in the sky. When the wind is so close to the earth, it creates an unsettling feeling as to what will happen next. So the wind reflects what many of us feel or at least me…uncertainty.

By embracing uncertainty in life will I feel less sorrow and grief or simply be free to fully feel my sorrow and grief for Jana’s death and her mother, Carolyn?   By fully feeing will I then feel the freedom of living?

Posted by: Anne

Near the maintenance barn between the woods at Winterthur and Wilmington Country Club, the great horned owl perches in early evening. My friend Susan loves to go owl spotting as I do. We especially love this time of year because the owls are mating and the woods are clear. Most of the time that we walk, we talk and talk but not so when we take the adventure to search for owls. Then we fall into silence letting the woods talk and the owl call.

I don’t know why I am so drawn to the owl but I marvel at its silent flight through the woods navigating so carefully between the trees. Perhaps it is the isolation or solitary nature of the owl that calls to me in some deep way.  Mostly, however, it is the fact that the owl thrives at the gloaming, the special time when day is ending and night begins, bridging the two worlds with complete detached composure. A lesson for me to learn-

Posted by: Anne

From my cottage, I could see the wide open sky of the sun’s movement over the year rising in the northern eastern sky and observe it slowly moving south with each sunrise, subtle yet profound. On my walks, I would see the hawks perching lower on the trees as winter came, conserving energy perhaps or maybe simply well fed by the abundance nature provided with the leaves fallen from the trees. In my heart, I could feel a connection with nature that I believe Henry Francis duPont fostered through his lush seasonal gardens always bringing delight and through the woods acre upon acre of hardy trees. As I walked the paths, I felt comforted and consoled, inspired and awed, and alive. I am grateful that Henry Francis duPont of incredible wealth provided such a gift to the public to enjoy and that he saw such value in nature, woods and gardens. The lessons learned at Winterthur have helped me to cope with loss of beloved ones and to live true to my heart.

Posted by: Anne

On Saturday, April 23, 2011 Jana died around 4:30 in the morning. The exact time does not matter to me because the reality is that this was not her time. Jana was too young, too vibrant, had too much to give, and had too much yet to receive.

When she took her last breath, I was holding her hand. I felt her release, her fading desperate grip on life.Within me I felt the grips of grief that would take hold of me as it had when her mother Carolyn passed. Her husband Michael sat in the chair next to her bed, talking as he had all night of their times together, their vacations and his love for her. As he spoke his words, his voice would quiver with tears rolling down his cheeks. I could feel her relax and find comfort in his love for her.

Michael took Jana to the hospital on Wednesday as she failed. She was admitted to critical care. When I arrived Wednesday night after returning from seeing Wicked with Natalie in New York, she was in distress. Tubes coming out of her back draining fluid, oxygen tube from her nose, and fear resonating from her. I sat with her Wednesday night, Michael went home to be with Natalie. She woke up and asked me, “Is this it, is this the end, am I dying now?” I answered this time differently than I had before. I said, “Jana, yes, I think it might be.” Gone from my voice was the hope, the prayer for a miracle, and the encouragement to fight. “I’m sorry” she said and we both sobbed.

Doctors came in eager to practice their speciality whatever it was kidney, lungs, heart and Jana was no longer Jana as they took her body and began to subject her to their science. Her head fell as her neck muscles could not support her. She grew agitated and wanted to get up. I tried to help her, to hold her, to support her to sit and they came and chastized me saying she could not get up. Finally enough is enough, let her be. No more tubes. Her nurse, Rachel who knew nursing was also about a soul connection came to see her with a gift of a flower. This gave me a great comfort as the doctors were insulting in their matter of fact, devoid of feeling, efficiency- it was awful.

The doctor wanted to put Jana on a ventilator which would have rendered her speechless. Knowing Jana as I do and the talker that she was..there was no way but she saw it a sign of hope. It could just be temporary she said. But I knew it would not be, so I begged please wait till Michael comes and you see Natalie just in case it is not temporary. You have to be able to say goodbye. Jana pleaded “how can I say goodbye. Natalie needs me, she needs her mother. I I can’t leave her” You may not have that choice Jana. You have to trust that you will be able to protect her from the other side that you and her will remain spiritually connected to one another. Do you believe that? she asked me. Yes, yes I do. She will hear your voice. She will find you in her everyday life. You have raised a beautiful daughter who has your spirit and values. Trust that Jana. Trust what a wonderful Mom you have been.

Michael came. He and Natalie each spent alone time saying their goodbyes, crying together. Then Father McLaughlin came on Holy Thursday quite miraculously. We prayed around Jana’s bed. Jana talked very little that day. We began our vigil. We planned her funeral what she wanted and who would do her eulogy, Fred.

Father returned again on Good Friday. We prayed again. Afterwards, Jana released and let go of her fight to live. She said she wanted morphine, She was ready to be with her mother.

Posted by: Anne

Learning to feel my sorrow yet walk gracefully in the world. Some days are more challenging than others. Today, I want to sit and cry and if I permit magical thinking to prevail to have the miracles of what has come to be to not be.  Awareness of feelings and being true to those feelings, I believe, is the first grace- I live with awareness of my feelings of grief. This awareness has obscured my vision to see nature for I drape my grief on the flowers and trees, the vines and shrubs, the birds, sky and wind.

I don’t know why I think there are seven graces or really what the seven might be but I believe the second grace to be acceptance. I like the idea that there are seven graces or even more because I know for sure that grace is not one dimensional.

Posted by: Anne

The  rainfall today is welcome from the long rainless summer  although the thunderstorms, wind and downpour  reeked havoc this week causing extensive damage by uprooting trees that have fallen on houses.

This month I am reminded of the unpredictability and impermanence of life.

We went to the beach at the end of July and early August. Last year, Jana was with us. Even though she was feeling tired, sick in her stomach, and achy in her back, Jana, true to herself mustered the energy to go on a 20 mile bike ride with Mike, go to the beach and boardwalk, play games, go for walks, swim and do all the stuff that we do. This summer I could not help but think of her with every activity and try as I might I could not conceal the tears and internal rainfall in my heart that really feels like a waterfall on some days.

Today the weather reflects my heart and the grief I feel without her being here especially for Natalie, Mike, family and friends and selfishly for m.

Over the eight months that she lived with cancer we would watch Oprah each day and have great conversations about the guests, the topic, life and what we dreamed and how we lived. We sorted through quite a bit from the past but we could never reconcile the inevitability of her diagnosis.  Jana was so full of life, of energy, of positive attitude and I cannot understand nor comprehend why life was taken from her at such an early age. Like the unpredictability of a summer rainfall, I can only  work to accept the powerlessness that I feel but it is gut wrenching.

Posted by: Anne

Discovering a new plant, shrub, flower, tree or bird brings me inner delight and a soothing ‘ah’ feeling. Discovering stirs my soul bringing to life a part of me that lay hidden within obscured from me. To discover is to awake. I have come to discover the same ‘ah’ feeling for the life path I have walked not looking back but forward to a new dawn yet remembering my footsteps along the way and the memories that I carry.  I have discovered that walking with a lighthearted spirit, with joy in my heart, and with grace in my gait requires no effort if I embrace the ‘ah’ in life’s precious moments. Today, I hope to remain open to discovering  the unification it brings between my outer and inner worlds of the ‘ah’ moment.

Posted by: Anne

Wonderful weekend enjoying glorious days of summer. Peg, Natalie, Maureen and I went to the beach and stayed with Francie. On Saturday afternoon, we went to the beach at Gordon’s Pond. The water was just the right temperature although the waves could have been bigger. Natalie loves big waves although she did not always. When she was little she was afraid of the waves. I tried to get her to breathe into the wave by saying to herself, “in the ultimate I dwell.” In actuality she would yell the phrase with a mild panic, calling out “In the ultimate I dwell” to the delight of nearby swimmers and of course me. Seeing her so easily swim through the waves and enjoy a swim in the ocean, I felt the big wave of time rushing by for she is growing up.Then I felt an even bigger wave, a wave of grief for she is doing so (growing up) without her mom who would bring a spirited energy to any activity we did or conversation we had.  I am coming to know a different kind of grief besides my own. I am coming to know the grief of a child who has to find her way in her world that has totally changed.

Posted by: Anne

When I sit in my garden with the flowers, butterflies and birds, my heart journeys to a place deep within me.

There is a comfort in knowing my heart and its capacity to feel joy and sorrow almost simultaneously.

I feel the unimaginable grief of Jana’s sickness and death and I also feel the joy of her beautiful smile and zestful spirit. The I will carry Jana with me, deep inside my heart, and I will walk with grace and lightness of being for gratitude to have experienced such love.

It is a different place than her mom, Carolyn whose spirit lives in my tender heart with her beautiful smile and zestful spirit. Deep inside, I have learned that grief has many contours, rivers and streams formed by the relationship, of what was, what was hoped to be and what is.

Deep inside I simply feel the sheer depth and breadth of loss, a tsunami of the soul.

Deep inside me.

Posted by: Anne

Independence Day. Now more than ever our nation’s conscience is called to remember the fundamental principles upon which we formed our union. The values of democracy embedded in the Constitution were meant to be lived in our daily interactions and relationships with each other.

Equality, liberty, justice and the general welfare of the people are not abstract ideals or empty epitaphs for political speeches but a call to action of everyday people like us to express in our daily lives and in our interactions with one another.

On this day, let us embrace our freedom and that of our neighbors.

Posted by: Anne