Ironic, Memorial Day occurs in spring, a season that I equate with the emergence of life for the woods and gardens literally come alive after a dormant winter yet this Holiday of remembrance of those lost to war brings forth their death each year. Wars come to an end for the countries but they never truly end for families. Scars of the heart never heal. They remain and impacts families for a lifetime and beyond… through succeeding generations who are raised with the memory of a fallen soldier.

My brother-in-law Jay died in VietNam, November, 1971 leaving my sister Francie, a widow. Far too young to be a widow bride. They were childhood sweethearts who married a year before Jay, a helicopter pilot was sent overseas. Their relationship was beautiful.

Then I did not know the survival rate of helicopter pilots or the fact a President could announce that he was ending the war while continuing to send troops. I didn’t know a troop was a person, a soldier. I didn’t know the words used to mask the severity of the truth. I only knew my feelings and witnessed my sister and family in their grief. The lessons learned through this tragedy shaped who I became.

Even today, when I close my eyes, I can see his big smile and I can see how happy my sister was. I still grieve for her loss. I can see myself awkward and insecure in my adolescence and his presence encouraging and supportive. Jay taught me to drive a stick shift and let me drive his VW Bug….the pinnacle of acceptance for an adolescent learning to drive!

Though his death was forty years ago, I remember being paged at the University of Delaware Morris Library, the look in my father’s eyes, his unspoken words and the brevity of his spoken ones. Then I remember the long wait for his body to return to the States. Friends, neighbors, and family gathered at the house to bring condolences. Life became blurred as I went through the motions seeking understanding when there was none. I still do not understand VietNam but I do understand Memorial Day.

With a little work in my garden, Memorial Day in spring makes sense for I let the flower of the essence of Jay bloom again in my heart by remembering who he was to those he loved and Jay loved his country which is why he served.

Posted by: Anne

On Saturday, Margot and I walked at Winterthur. I was grateful for the time with her, for the walk in the gardens because spring is so amazing there and for the time to remember Jana and reflect on the impact of her loss in our lives. It was exactly one week since Jana died and only two days after her service. The splendor of the early azaleas did little to boost my spirits nor did the primrose in the grotto provide consolation for the deep grief and utter exhaustion that I feel. Jana had wanted to go to Winterthur in her wheel chair but her cancer spread too quickly for her to experience spring. Instead her last few months were filled with hospital stays and confinement to her house where she went from bed to sofa. Though her body withered, her spirit and desire to live remained so strong. She wanted to live and not die. She felt an incredible injustice to receive the prognosis that she did in the prime of her life. She questioned karma and her life as to what she could have possibly done to warrant this dreadful cancer- leiomyosarcoma. Bearing witness to her suffering, the greatest pain being the reality that she would leave her daughter, Natalie motherless felt like the coldest of winters in my soul.

Yet when the time came for her to say goodbye, to end the fight, she did so with a determined matter of factness and went peacefully to sleep. The grasping for air, the pair and discomfort with her body, the sheer exhaustion and the questioning of life stopped. She said her goodbyes to her daughter, her husband and me and she said she was ready to be with her Mom, Carolyn who also died too young of cancer.  She died knowing she was loved, knowing she loved to the best of her ability. She died satisfied that she achieved her goals- to be a good mother, to provide a stable home for her daughter and husband and to give service to her community and to others to make a difference in their lives. Jana was a bundle of sunshine- her smile would light up the room- she greeted all with cheerfulness from the homeless man on the street where she parked her car, to the security guard at her bank to the CEO- title didnt’ matter- the human experience and relationship did. I learned so much from Jana over our 30 plus years. Mostly I learned what it is like to have a maternal love for a child, a familial love as a sister and a platonic love of a friend for she was all of this to me and the seasons of my life and the flowers in my garden will be forever changed by this unimaginable loss.

Posted by: Anne