Remembering Jana and watching a summer rainfall
The rainfall today is welcome from the long rainless summer although the thunderstorms, wind and downpour reeked havoc this week causing extensive damage by uprooting trees that have fallen on houses.
This month I am reminded of the unpredictability and impermanence of life.
We went to the beach at the end of July and early August. Last year, Jana was with us. Even though she was feeling tired, sick in her stomach, and achy in her back, Jana, true to herself mustered the energy to go on a 20 mile bike ride with Mike, go to the beach and boardwalk, play games, go for walks, swim and do all the stuff that we do. This summer I could not help but think of her with every activity and try as I might I could not conceal the tears and internal rainfall in my heart that really feels like a waterfall on some days.
Today the weather reflects my heart and the grief I feel without her being here especially for Natalie, Mike, family and friends and selfishly for m.
Over the eight months that she lived with cancer we would watch Oprah each day and have great conversations about the guests, the topic, life and what we dreamed and how we lived. We sorted through quite a bit from the past but we could never reconcile the inevitability of her diagnosis. Jana was so full of life, of energy, of positive attitude and I cannot understand nor comprehend why life was taken from her at such an early age. Like the unpredictability of a summer rainfall, I can only work to accept the powerlessness that I feel but it is gut wrenching.