Jana, I grieve for you
On Saturday, April 23, 2011 Jana died around 4:30 in the morning. The exact time does not matter to me because the reality is that this was not her time. Jana was too young, too vibrant, had too much to give, and had too much yet to receive.
When she took her last breath, I was holding her hand. I felt her release, her fading desperate grip on life.Within me I felt the grips of grief that would take hold of me as it had when her mother Carolyn passed. Her husband Michael sat in the chair next to her bed, talking as he had all night of their times together, their vacations and his love for her. As he spoke his words, his voice would quiver with tears rolling down his cheeks. I could feel her relax and find comfort in his love for her.
Michael took Jana to the hospital on Wednesday as she failed. She was admitted to critical care. When I arrived Wednesday night after returning from seeing Wicked with Natalie in New York, she was in distress. Tubes coming out of her back draining fluid, oxygen tube from her nose, and fear resonating from her. I sat with her Wednesday night, Michael went home to be with Natalie. She woke up and asked me, “Is this it, is this the end, am I dying now?” I answered this time differently than I had before. I said, “Jana, yes, I think it might be.” Gone from my voice was the hope, the prayer for a miracle, and the encouragement to fight. “I’m sorry” she said and we both sobbed.
Doctors came in eager to practice their speciality whatever it was kidney, lungs, heart and Jana was no longer Jana as they took her body and began to subject her to their science. Her head fell as her neck muscles could not support her. She grew agitated and wanted to get up. I tried to help her, to hold her, to support her to sit and they came and chastized me saying she could not get up. Finally enough is enough, let her be. No more tubes. Her nurse, Rachel who knew nursing was also about a soul connection came to see her with a gift of a flower. This gave me a great comfort as the doctors were insulting in their matter of fact, devoid of feeling, efficiency- it was awful.
The doctor wanted to put Jana on a ventilator which would have rendered her speechless. Knowing Jana as I do and the talker that she was..there was no way but she saw it a sign of hope. It could just be temporary she said. But I knew it would not be, so I begged please wait till Michael comes and you see Natalie just in case it is not temporary. You have to be able to say goodbye. Jana pleaded “how can I say goodbye. Natalie needs me, she needs her mother. I I can’t leave her” You may not have that choice Jana. You have to trust that you will be able to protect her from the other side that you and her will remain spiritually connected to one another. Do you believe that? she asked me. Yes, yes I do. She will hear your voice. She will find you in her everyday life. You have raised a beautiful daughter who has your spirit and values. Trust that Jana. Trust what a wonderful Mom you have been.
Michael came. He and Natalie each spent alone time saying their goodbyes, crying together. Then Father McLaughlin came on Holy Thursday quite miraculously. We prayed around Jana’s bed. Jana talked very little that day. We began our vigil. We planned her funeral what she wanted and who would do her eulogy, Fred.
Father returned again on Good Friday. We prayed again. Afterwards, Jana released and let go of her fight to live. She said she wanted morphine, She was ready to be with her mother.